REVIEWS
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Below is the
foreward to Silent No More by GeorgeAnn Grubb,Director YWCA Resolve
Family Abuse Program
There
is a common
misconception that domestic violence only happens to certain kinds of
women: poor, uneducated, unemployed, and with low self-esteem. Abused
women are often believed to come from abusive, dysfunctional families,
have mental health problems, and substance abuse issues. Krista Fink
dispels all of these myths—she grew up in a loving family, graduated
from college, married a college student/ski instructor, and was
employed as a high school English teacher. No one, especially Krista,
expected the years of emotional and physical abuse she endured
throughout her marriage.
Another
common
perception about domestic violence is that there are clear warning
signs early in the relationship that women “choose to ignore.” Krista’s
story disputes this myth as well. She describes the initial “charm” and
sensitive, caring behavior that won her over during the courtship. Many
women speak of the “Jekyll and Hyde” changes in their husband’s
behavior that occur after marriage, as well as the drastically
different public and private images that abusers display. It takes time
for a pattern of coercive behavior to appear. Isolated incidents are
often explained and excused for years before a consistent pattern
emerges, usually accompanied by an escalation of the violence. As
Krista so poignantly expresses, she was more concerned about “having
(her) heart broken than (her) body” when the relationship began.
Onlookers
who have
not experienced domestic violence are quick to judge and blame victims
by insisting if the abuse is so bad, they should simply leave and never
go back. Krista describes her repeated attempts to work things out, to
change herself to please her husband, and her belief, shared by many
women, that she “could love him into changing.” And she desperately
wanted to believe his promises to never hurt her again. Leaving is
often just the beginning of years of economic hardship, and for years
Krista faced extensive financial and legal struggles in the aftermath
of the divorce.
Myths
about
batterers abound as well. Many believe domestic violence is caused by
men who have an “anger control problem” or are mentally ill and/or are
substance abusers. While all of these factors may contribute to or
escalate the abuse, none of these are causes of violence. The roots of
violence are deeply embedded in our culture and are supported by
attitudes of male dominance and entitlement, the glorification of
power, and the treatment of women and children as possessions. If we
are to stop repeating this destructive pattern, we must begin early to
educate and model alternatives to violence. From the pre-school
playground where name calling and bullying abound, through elementary
and high school, we must teach respect for others, non-violent ways to
resolve conflict, and the fundamentals of establishing healthy
relationships.
For
far too long,
what happened between intimate partners behind closed doors stayed
there. We turned our collective heads as a society and convinced
ourselves that it was none of our business. Domestic violence thrives
in secrecy, and only by exposing it and naming it can we begin to
eliminate it. We have only just begun to awaken from the nightmare of
domestic violence to realize the enormous toll it takes on our
families, our communities, and most tragically the lifelong legacy it
bestows upon our children. In many ways we are all victims of a culture
that endorses the use of force and condones violence as a means to
resolve conflict. If we are to end domestic violence, a committed and
relentless community response is required.
In
1981, the YWCA
of Charleston, WV, whose mission is the elimination of racism and the
empowerment of women, initiated the Resolve Family Abuse Program to
address the growing concerns about domestic violence in the community.
Initial services consisted of a shelter, Hope House, and a 24-hour
crisis line for domestic violence victims. Over the next twenty five
years, Hope House has continued to provide a safe haven for women and
children, and a host of supportive services have been added, including
court and legal advocacy, counseling, support groups, parenting
classes, teen dating violence prevention programs, and education
classes for batterers. The mission of the program is the elimination of
domestic violence, by providing safety for victims, accountability and
education for batterers, and leadership for community change.
Krista
Fink could
be your daughter, your sister, your neighbor, your co-worker, your
child’s teacher, or your best friend. For years she kept her abuse a
secret from her family, friends, and co-workers, even from herself.
Read her deeply moving story with your heart as you learn how love and
pain co-existed within the bonds of her marriage, how her dreams of
“happily ever after” died one at a time, and how her personal terror
escalated as her world fell apart. Krista shares her experiences and
insights with honesty and realism as she describes her journey through
love, broken promises, denial, pain, confusion, and despair to her
“bittersweet moment of clarity” that allows her to “take back her
power” and get away. She finds empathy and encouragement from a local
victims’ support group of the YWCA Resolve Family Abuse Program, and as
she begins to heal she finds her voice. She shares her story with
community groups, churches, and civic organizations, as well as the
students in her high school English classes. On the pages to follow,
Krista shares her voice with you, the reader. As she reveals her hopes,
her fears and disappointments, her struggles and her strength, her
courage inspires us all to find our collective voices and join together
to raise awareness, protect and empower victims, and ultimately to end
domestic violence, as we create a world where we no longer need
shelters to keep women and children safe.
GeorgeAnn
Grubb, Director YWCA Resolve Family Abuse Program
Charleston, West Virginia
June 25, 2007
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